hannah

The Orchid Show never disappoints. It's always a breath of air and a flash of bright light to remind you to hold on until springtime finally arrives. I went today with a friend, and while it was the reason we tromped up there, it was also excuse for the tromping at the same time - mostly to see each other. Spending time with another adult in a social setting is a welcome feeling.

Getting there wasn't hard, just time consuming. Walking around was made easier by sticking to paths that were already plowed, so while I missed going into the forest, we saw a lot of it just by looking over and taking in what we could from the outside. As for the exhibit, this year it was New York City themed, done by a regional artist with a charming sense of humor - in addition to the big installations, which were themselves things like a pizza parlor, a fire escape, a brownstone covered in flowers, there were smaller constructions scattered throughout, like a steam vent that was accompanied by a bit of how-to on orchid care.

There were a fair number of small birds, a decent murder of crows, and no small number of all-black stealth mode squirrels. I kept having to point out the squirrels and birds to people, who were perpetually delighted to see them - so I can't be that upset they didn't notice, since they got to see them just the same.

Current Mood: drained
Current Music: nothing now

Earlier this week, I learned there's a squirrel nesting on the roof of a nearby empty house. A squirrel on a sidewalk less than a block from a park isn't unusual; a squirrel running away from the park is worth noticing. It ran along the concrete until it got to a tree, and about halfway up the trunk I saw it had some nesting materials in its mouth. Sticks, dried grass, nothing that could be mistaken for food. It went all the way up the trunk, well past where there'd be room to nest inside the tree, and jumped into the thin, empty branches, running along and over and finally making one last jump from the tree onto a row house that's been on the market for more than a few months at this point. Long enough a squirrel would feel safe nesting somewhere on the roof.

Yesterday, I got to feed a few urban pigeons after a couple of grizzled old-school construction workers were generous with the birdseed they'd brought with them that morning; none of the pigeons flew onto my hands, but a particularity bold one kept grabbing at my fingers, possibly to pull my hand closer so it'd be first in the pecking order.

Today, I saw a raven; it was close enough to see every tail feather, and make out the distinctive spade shape. Also to see how utterly gigantic they are compared to a lot of other birds. It was carrying some kind of food item in its beak, but I couldn't make out what it was, just that it'd been opportunistic and scavenged it from a garbage bin.

You've got to keep your eyes open for these things.

Current Mood: contemplative
Current Music: You Are A Tourist - Death Cab For Cutie

In looking through the stuff on my floor today, in trying to figure out what I don't particularly want anymore, I made one of the bigger decisions in that vein in a while: I tossed out old novel drafts.

I don't need them anymore, and while I want them, I don't want them enough to keep them around. I've got the full drafts on my hard drive. I figured I didn't need the notes I took anymore, so the pages they're on might as well get set aside for recycling. It's a decision I've wanted to make I haven't bothered to make until today. Speaking of, there's four bags of books set aside for another Strand run - mostly from high-end salvaging through the neighborhood, a couple I bought ages ago that I have to say goodbye to. If I'd wanted to give them to someone, I'd have done so by now; keeping them is more a reminder of the idea of giving them to someone, the idea of that someone, than any specific plans I haven't acted on yet. It's something I need to accept over and over again, and each time it's the same stages and steps of the process of doing so. Investing in another external hard drive so I can divest myself of DVD box sets is aspirational in comparison.

I've got a box set aside for papers. If it fits in there, I can keep them. That's the goal. The best way to achieve that goal is to find the papers I've got that could conceivably be put in there. First, though, the Strand run tomorrow, and a library run for some of the DVD box sets to find their way to another good home.

Current Mood: indescribable
Current Music: The Easy Way - Dar Williams

The day's relative warmth had me going out for an appointment rather than do it virtually. It helped considerably, which I knew it would, and it was a fairly productive appointment also.

On the way back, I took a longer route through Riverside Park. I didn't get to see my brother and his wife coming in from Brooklyn, but I saw the Hudson covered shore to shore with ice - not solid ice up and down the horizon, but to the other side of the river and back, which is more than I've seen in a long time. I don't think it'll stay much longer, and for all that I didn't like being so cold, I loved knowing there was that much ice on the river.

Current Mood: discontent
Current Music: The Chain (live) - Fleetwood Mac

I did end up going to the movies as the main activity of the day. The only activity, when you get down to it, especially since I stayed in bed late enough into the morning I missed the breakfast window. I found it fairly remarkable how few people were out on the streets - not surprising, but remarkable. It made me want to walk around a bit more to appreciate the relative absence of people. Not enough to go through with it, but the desire was there.

It's cold enough in my apartment for socks and a bathrobe, and I've now broken out the fingerless gloves. If I had the space in my freezer for the loaves, I'd make bread as a reason to turn on the oven, and as I don't, I'm having to make do with hot tea.

Current Mood: drained
Current Music: Ordinary Day - Great Big Sea

I'm geared up for another cold snap, with this Sunday looking like the nadir of the coming week. Tomorrow's going to be cold, and it won't be quite as harsh as Sunday seems like it'll be. It doesn't change many of my plans, since I didn't plan on much to begin with, but it's kind of nice to have the framework to assess potential plans. Like imagining which movies I'd go to, if I were to go to the movies.

Most likely, the movies will come after the job's wrapped up. Catching a matinee as a way to say the gig's done.

Current Mood: blank
Current Music: nothing now

In trying to get rid of objects in my apartment, some are easy, like lighting candles. Some, like hard plastic water carafes, present more of an issue and require outside help. As such, I'm looking for help right now.

I have three plastic tumblers from past ConFabCons, including one from when it was Wincon. They're all in decent condition, and while the straw to one broke, it's easily replaced. I don't use them and I'd want them to go to a good home if they could. If anyone in the greater NYC metro area wants them, they're yours. If anyone in the greater NYC metro area knows someone who wants them, please put me in touch.

Current Mood: nostalgic
Current Music: nothing now

In a combined effort of using something up to have fewer things in my apartment, and to add some coziness to cold nights, I've taken to lighting the scented candles I've had around for a good long while - many years, for a few of them. At this point, I'm not really burning them for the scents anymore so much as I am for the ritual.

Speaking of, with my new coat arriving, I definitely don't have any reason to keep the old one around. Just excuses. Not even "I'm at work most of the day" cuts it as the closest place is open before my clients expect me. I don't like that it's just excuses, and hopefully that'll help push me to get it dealt with sooner.

Current Mood: tired
Current Music: nothing now

Dinner plans shifted about halfway through cooking: I'd planned to make boxed macaroni and cheese with some vegetables added in, but the vegetables ended up smelling so good, I ditched the cheese. Sauteed onions, garlic, and herbs with rapini and canned tomatoes might've taken well to the cheese sauce, but I'm pleased at how it came out just the same.

My new plan is to make boxed macaroni and cheese with double the cheese sauce at some point in the future, and feel absurdly luxurious for being able to do so.

Current Mood: full
Current Music: nothing now

It remains below freezing, and I remain inside most of the day. I got my laundry done by going to the basement and I spent a little time at the gym by walking down the block to get to the relevant building. Other than that, it's not just been inside my building, but inside my apartment. There's not much desire to get out and head around right now, especially not with a day as slow as a Sunday. I had the possibility to make it more rapid, but I hadn't gotten myself together early enough in the day to spend three hours at the movies far downtown - a screening of Short Cuts - and I'm doing what I can to tell myself it'll come back around sometime.

That said, staying close by got the laundry done, got me to the gym for one of those "something is better than nothing" sessions, and got some lunch prep done, so I can live with that.

Current Mood: cold
Current Music: Hunger Strike - Temple of the Dog

Because I needed a new winter coat after the zippers on my old one broke, a not-insignificant amount of money was spent today on a new coat. It's got me thinking about two things: where this old coat came from, and the last time I got entirely new clothes. I can't remember where I got it, just at some point in the last ten years or so, which means I probably salvaged it from somewhere - likely my building's laundry room. Given the state of the elastic tags to tighten or loosen the hood as well as everything else about it, it must've been tossed aside after a few years of use. I've commented on the quality of cast-offs of New York City in general and the Upper West Side in particular, and this really speaks to that, because aside from the elastics and the zipper, everything works to keep me warm.

As for the last time I got entirely new clothes, excluding undergarments and shoes, I definitely can't remember. Most of the clothes I've bought the last few years came secondhand, eBay and Mercari and Poshmark, so while they're new to me and might be functionally new based on how often they'd been worn before I got them, they're not new to the world. I think the last new purchase was a dress for one of my brothers' weddings, so it would've been 2022 or 2023. Not that long ago, but certainly a while.

The amount spent on the new coat's certainly more than it'd cost to replace the zippers, but I'm buying more than zippers in getting a new, high-quality coat. I'm thinking of buying new zippers just the same, replacing them and then donating it somewhere to give someone else a few more years' use of it.

Current Mood: thoughtful
Current Music: The New Year - Death Cab for Cutie

Challenge #15

How Did the Fandom Snowflake Challenge Go? Post your answer to today’s challenge in your own space and leave a comment in this post saying you did it.

Include a link to your post if you feel comfortable doing so. Also, feel free to entice engagement by giving us a preview of what your post covers.

It got me back into the habit of daily posting, which I find comfortable and familiar, so I'd say it went well. I didn't do every day's challenge and I didn't follow along with other people much, and I still found myself trying to get a little bit of the day down and a little bit of myself outside of my head on a regular basis, both of which are genuinely helpful. Blogging's a lot like riding a bike: you don't forget how to do it, but you need to rebuilt your stamina. And, of course, you have to want to keep at it. Now that I've gotten back into it, I feel like I do.

I'm sure if I looked back at past years, I'd be saying much the same thing. That's a trick about journaling in general and blogging in particular - you can look back and see what you've put down, and even though you might not remember the choices behind those words, you remember enough to recognize the part of you that said them. Hopefully, at any rate. I don't particularly want to go back and look at this time last year, or the year before, or the one before that. I want to keep moving forward like this for a while longer before looking back. That's another trick about this kind of thing. You build your own momentum.

This year I've spent more time than usual thinking about what's come before and how long I've been doing this. I'm not against having done it for so long or to keep doing it for as long as I can manage to keep the momentum going. Just something to consider as a neutral statement and a fact of the matter. A statement I can look forward to making this time next year, to be around to keep making it.

Snowflake Challenge: A flatlay of a snowflake shaped shortbread cake, a mug with coffee, and a string of holiday lights on top of a rustic napkin.

Current Mood: contemplative
Current Music: nothing now

Challenge #14

In your own space, create a promo and/or rec list for someone new to a fandom. Leave a comment in this post saying you did it and include a link to your post if you feel comfortable doing so.

You've probably heard of Top Gun at this point. Yes, you - the generic you, the one reading this post right now. I'd be more surprised if it hasn't come up at this point, given the cultural footprint the movies hold, to the point that the first one was considered significant enough to be included in the Library of Congress' National Film Registry and the second one played in movie theaters for over six months in a time when that's practically unthinkable because people kept buying tickets. But maybe you haven't seen it. No shame in that. Maybe you know it's not for you. I can't speak to your tastes. Then again, maybe you're not sure. Maybe you need some enticement. Maybe you need to be told that it's more or less American live-action anime, down to having beach episodes. Maybe you need more than that.

Might I offer a homoerotic volleyball montage, voted "best movie scene" three years in a row by Suck magazine, a fact that made the director tremendously proud?

What about Val Kilmer snapping his teeth at Tom Cruise, a moment he confirmed was improvised?

How about one actor sneaking porn onto set and playing it during a scene, creating the conditions for someone to say "This gives me a hard on" and for someone else to respond "Don't tease me" and for that moment to be included in the final cut?

Were you aware that the first movie's aesthetic was largely inspired by Bruce Weber, noted gay photographer?

How about that for all its endorsement by the US military, it manages to be astonishingly gay by 1986 and contemporary standards, with Kilmer himself being the first Iceman/Maverick shipper?

Would it please you to know that between Top Gun Maverick and the Mission Impossible movies, combined with all the cumulative explosions from his movies, Tom Cruise qualifies as a Dekahelen?

Possibly you'd enjoy knowing that the sequel is a surprisingly somber meditation on aging, loss, regret, and reconciliation in addition to all the thrills of the practical stuntwork?

Or that together, both movies total just over four hours' runtime so it's not even a big commitment, and that all four of those hours are full of beautifully composed scenes and shots?

Maybe you've made up your mind a while ago. I'm cool with that. But if you haven't and you're willing to give it a shot, drop me a line and I can hook you up, no streaming services required.

two log cabins with snow on the roofs in a wintery forest the text snowflake challenge january 1 - 31 in white cursive text

Current Mood: giggly
Current Music: nothing now

One of the side benefits of the job as I have it is the whole day's spent offline. I've got wifi access so I can technically use my phone to browse the internet, but there's no point in trying to browse on an iPhone for any length of time. As such, the internet happens without me. A couple of times, I've scheduled large numbers of posts to my Tumblr so when I get back, they'll be waiting for me, but otherwise, I leave the internet alone.

It's pretty wonderful.

It's not even the hours offline so much as it's good to get reminded that the internet belongs on my computer and not on any device that fits in my hand by living in such a reality, and I should do my best to leave the internet in my apartment and not carry it with me.

Current Mood: contemplative
Current Music: Hunger Strike - Temple of the Dog

I'm wanted for three full days a week at the day gig for the next three weeks, minimum. I'd be foolish to turn it down. I'd also be foolish to leave other people in the lurch and hanging, even if all that's happened is a couple of emails. That it's a project with a defined end - eventually, they're going to run out of books - helps a little bit in assessing the coming days.

To my pride, last week I'd suggested they move the children's books they wanted to save to the closet in one of the kid's rooms. They decided to pack them up to move them, so last week I packed them up - too much per box to be practical, but finally contained. Today they said they wanted them in one of the kid's rooms, so I unpacked, sorted, and put them all away, and they were deeply pleased with the end results.

There's a lot to get through, and there's rooms of books in this place. They're coming out of closets, they turn up in boxes, they're hiding behind each other, and I haven't even touched the other side of the apartment. Rarely do I look forward to having to be at work in the morning, but then, rarely do I have this much fun at the job.

Current Mood: exhausted
Current Music: nothing now

Challenge #12

Make an appreciation post to those who enhance your fandom life. Appreciate them in bullet points, prose, poetry, a moodboard, a song... whatever moves you!

The first person I lost in fandom - really lost, not moving blogging platforms and falling out of touch, not drifting apart, not a falling-out so extreme there's no talking anymore - wasn't someone I knew well. I knew people who knew her well and we'd spoken in person at BASCon a couple times, and because we had nametags, we could greet each other easily. But between one year and another, something went wrong - complications with surgery, as I recall - and she wasn't there anymore.

I've since lost a lot more people. Some I'd spoken with frequently, some who were friends of friends. Some I knew by wallet name, some where I couldn't tell you any more than what fandoms we shared. Sometimes it was a surprise and sometimes it wasn't unexpected. A few times people told me, a few times I wondered about them and went to check and learned that way, a couple times it so happened I'd see something they'd made or stumble over their account and then learn they'd passed on years ago.

Late last month, someone I knew pretty well - we'd chat a few times a week, pass links onto each other - disappeared off Tumblr. Deactivating their blog, deleting their Archive of Our Own account. They'd been undergoing some fairly drastic health issues and had occasionally stepped away from the internet for weeks at a time, and after a few days of worry, it was seeing the deleted AO3 account that actually made me feel a bit better. Tumblr's a place where deactivation can happen willy-nilly, but AO3 requires deliberate effort. It let me tell myself they made the choice to step away as far as they could, rather than them leaving without providing a forwarding address. Tonight I found someone else I knew pretty well - we shared dinner in London once - who'd stopped posting over two years ago had their Tumblr account deactivated, also. Maybe they stepped far away. So I tell myself.

I knew I'd lose people someday. It's part and parcel of knowing people - knowing that they'll leave. When I got into fandom, I mostly made friends with people older than me; I've lately looked around and realized I'm mostly making friends with people my own age or younger. I don't know how long any of them are going to stay in my life. I know it's not going to last forever, or even as long as I'd wish it would. But I know they're here right now. And I know they've made my fandom life better, no matter how much time we had together.

Current Mood: thankful
Current Music: American Pie - Don McLean

Some Grow Old (3427 words) by Hannah
Chapters: 1/1
Fandom: Top Gun (Movies)
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Relationships: Tom "Iceman" Kazansky/Pete "Maverick" Mitchell
Characters: Tom "Iceman" Kazansky, Pete "Maverick" Mitchell, Original Characters
Additional Tags: Post-Canon, Tom "Iceman" Kazansky Lives, Established Relationship, Gay Pride, Pride Parades, Queer Themes, Queer Culture
Summary: Every Pride is someone's first.

-

One of two Top Gun fics I've been working on that I've finally wrapped up and posted. Also, check out the new fandom icon.

Current Mood: accomplished
Current Music: Fifteen Minutes - Voxtrot

Challenge #11

In your own space, grant someone's wish from Challenge #5. Leave a comment in this post saying you did it and include a link to your own post with the wishes you granted if you feel comfortable doing so.

That was a fun way to spend a good hour or so. A very good hour, even.

Current Mood: content
Current Music: Live That Way Forever - Richard Reed Parry

It was something of an odyssey to get back from a family dinner in Brooklyn tonight. It should've been a little less than an hour; it was closer to two. Someone pulled the brake on the F line, so instead of riding the F to the 2/3, it was the G to the A to the 2 - more stops, more transfers, more waiting, including nearly a half-hour waiting on the F line for something to happen until someone announced it wouldn't be moving anytime soon.

There was a train directly behind the one that'd stopped in the station, meaning that if there was anyone on that train, they couldn't even get out and leave until the stopped train got dealt with. A small relief to at least be able to find another way home.

For most of the way, I told myself my apartment wasn't going anywhere and while it'd be later than I'd like, I'd still get to my own bed well before midnight. I also asked my dad that, for all the delays and all the trouble, where else in the United States could there be this kind of disruption to regular public transit service where there'd be enough existing infrastructure and alternate routes to still get us back before the end of the night?

In other places, I'd have my own ways of getting around. Here, I rely on the trains. It's something of a minor miracle they work as well as they do, and tonight's hard proof of that.

Current Mood: drained
Current Music: nothing now

What's getting to me about forgetting my headphones and MP3 player at my client's place more than having forgotten them is that my client sent me a text message about it. The forgetfulness is its own issue; that I didn't get a phone call about it has me absolutely baffled. She's a good few decades older than I am, and the messages she sent are iMessages that require internet access, not what I'd call "plain texts" that don't. So there's a good chance I wouldn't have seen it after I left the apartment's wifi range and got back to my place.

A direct phone call would've been much easier. I'll head over tomorrow and get it then, so it's less of a problem and more of an inconvenience, and it's still got me baffled she didn't simply call.

Current Mood: confused
Current Music: nothing now