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Not really making it.
Today is fired. Out of a cannon, into the sun. The worst part is that the things that are making me angry are things I know other people aren't going to understand, and that's another thing I hate, that so much of my time is spent translating myself to others and I never feel like anyone is translating themselves for me.
I'm fed up and finished with an incomplete project at work. I'm not doing it any more, I can't. It's more coding to make a webpage and I don't know how to do it anymore, I really can't. I have the capability of being able to throw myself at it for a while longer but I'm not going to. The project has gotten past the point of simple formatting individual pages to something I can't do because I flat-out cannot. Let me explain: I can't see it. Let me explain some more: I have no capability for visual imagination. I have a great visual memory, which means I can think of images and settings I already know and use them in new ways, but I can't picture new things and for this project I can't figure out how to link up the webpages I've made. If I had them set up I'd just put in links to one page or another but since it's not just a brief run-down of the poet with links to lists of her works but a very specific archival project with very specific formats and requirements as defined by the Library of Congress and recognized governing archival bodies it has to be set in a specific way without any deviation. And after looking at some other finding aids I don't know if I even need them for what the school wants, which itself is supposed to be a simple thing. I tried writing out the major components onto pieces of paper and shuffling them around to see if that would help and it didn't. Still stuck. I don't know how they go together. I can't get a grip or a handle on how the idea of this project is supposed to go. I can't do this. I can't see it.
And apparently I wasn't doing the coding right, either - I was doing it raw in WordPad when I should've been doing it in something like Dreamweaver, which I hadn't been because I didn't know that existed and nobody told me about it until today. Okay then. I still don't think it'd help - I know it wouldn't because I have to yell at people that I can't see it and I know there are people who understand coding and great for you but please don't try to tell me it's easy because it's not going to work.
I wanted to go to the gym to burn off some energy, and I knew I'd need a new pair of gym shoes since I wore all the way through the soles of my last pair, so I went to a local shoe store. I thought I'd just go in, buy a pair, and leave, but they didn't have any Converses in my size, didn't have any Doc Martens, didn't have anything with a simple, flat sole without a heel. I thought I found a decent pair that was a bit girly for my taste but would've worked, and when I was about to put them on in the gym I realized I'd made a mistake in buying them, since they had padding. I mean, padding, the fuck. Padding does not go on weightlifting shoes! I'm pissed at myself I didn't notice that in the store and I'll have to take them back tomorrow and I wouldn't be so angry about this and would've just sighed if I hadn't had the bad day at work. But I did, so I was almost crying in the locker room because I knew the shoes were wrong. Wrong for me, at least - I just want the idea of the shoe, not the other stuff getting in the way of it.
With this, it's that I know how something should be, and when it's not - and it's an easy thing to control that plenty of people understand, what I wear on my feet - then, I don't even know. And yes, I am being picky and particular because I just want one thing and if I can't get it I won't take anything and I know I should be better than that but I can't be and I want the one thing that works and if I can't get that I'll wait and it's wrong that I'm like this but I can't help it. It's how I am and I have to figure out how to work with other people every day, and days like this do their best to convince me that I'm never going to get anyone trying to figure out how to work with me.
I don't have the capabilities other people take for granted, and because they assume everyone has them I can't explain to them that I don't - not unless they're willing to listen, and it seems like fewer and fewer people are willing to anymore.
I'm fed up and finished with an incomplete project at work. I'm not doing it any more, I can't. It's more coding to make a webpage and I don't know how to do it anymore, I really can't. I have the capability of being able to throw myself at it for a while longer but I'm not going to. The project has gotten past the point of simple formatting individual pages to something I can't do because I flat-out cannot. Let me explain: I can't see it. Let me explain some more: I have no capability for visual imagination. I have a great visual memory, which means I can think of images and settings I already know and use them in new ways, but I can't picture new things and for this project I can't figure out how to link up the webpages I've made. If I had them set up I'd just put in links to one page or another but since it's not just a brief run-down of the poet with links to lists of her works but a very specific archival project with very specific formats and requirements as defined by the Library of Congress and recognized governing archival bodies it has to be set in a specific way without any deviation. And after looking at some other finding aids I don't know if I even need them for what the school wants, which itself is supposed to be a simple thing. I tried writing out the major components onto pieces of paper and shuffling them around to see if that would help and it didn't. Still stuck. I don't know how they go together. I can't get a grip or a handle on how the idea of this project is supposed to go. I can't do this. I can't see it.
And apparently I wasn't doing the coding right, either - I was doing it raw in WordPad when I should've been doing it in something like Dreamweaver, which I hadn't been because I didn't know that existed and nobody told me about it until today. Okay then. I still don't think it'd help - I know it wouldn't because I have to yell at people that I can't see it and I know there are people who understand coding and great for you but please don't try to tell me it's easy because it's not going to work.
I wanted to go to the gym to burn off some energy, and I knew I'd need a new pair of gym shoes since I wore all the way through the soles of my last pair, so I went to a local shoe store. I thought I'd just go in, buy a pair, and leave, but they didn't have any Converses in my size, didn't have any Doc Martens, didn't have anything with a simple, flat sole without a heel. I thought I found a decent pair that was a bit girly for my taste but would've worked, and when I was about to put them on in the gym I realized I'd made a mistake in buying them, since they had padding. I mean, padding, the fuck. Padding does not go on weightlifting shoes! I'm pissed at myself I didn't notice that in the store and I'll have to take them back tomorrow and I wouldn't be so angry about this and would've just sighed if I hadn't had the bad day at work. But I did, so I was almost crying in the locker room because I knew the shoes were wrong. Wrong for me, at least - I just want the idea of the shoe, not the other stuff getting in the way of it.
With this, it's that I know how something should be, and when it's not - and it's an easy thing to control that plenty of people understand, what I wear on my feet - then, I don't even know. And yes, I am being picky and particular because I just want one thing and if I can't get it I won't take anything and I know I should be better than that but I can't be and I want the one thing that works and if I can't get that I'll wait and it's wrong that I'm like this but I can't help it. It's how I am and I have to figure out how to work with other people every day, and days like this do their best to convince me that I'm never going to get anyone trying to figure out how to work with me.
I don't have the capabilities other people take for granted, and because they assume everyone has them I can't explain to them that I don't - not unless they're willing to listen, and it seems like fewer and fewer people are willing to anymore.
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And I'm sorry that today sucked so much. Have some tea. It's this day, not you, that's bound to go away.
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I can't think of anything more to say than that, and also: I couldn't code anything to save my life.
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*hugs* Here's hoping today is better!
yes
That line has profound, universal appeal. Sorry, though -- I realize that doesn't alleviate your situation. But, it speaks to the common hurdle many of us have.