Reason to believe.

[hannah]

It's now been my first week of full-time work. Five days front to back to front again, seven to eight hour shifts on-site, like pretty much every working professional out there. I'm thankful it's very much not a bullshit job - it's work with medical records, so I've got some understanding I'm at least tangentially connected to what's occasionally meaningful. The adjustment period's been difficult so far, and while it may get better by the end of December, I've gone out and bought a higher dose of vitamin D supplements to see if that helps keep energy levels up.

Part of the trouble is that I live alone and have independent ambitions outside of work, so there's no one else to do the chores and errands, and it's on me to carve out the time to see to those other goals. It's not that I can't or won't: I can, and I will. The 'real world' has always been a means to an end for me, and most everyone else in the 'real world' doesn't like hearing what I think of it. If I can manage to find out how to make that work, I'll keep at it for as long as I can. But if the means lead to an end to my ends, I know where my heart lives.

Comments

[lizzie_omalley]

Congratulations on your full time work.

It is hard, especially for those of us who value quiet and stillness. It is frustrating when all "the things that need to be done" add a sense of pressure such that doing some self care thing that would normally be enjoyable, like going to the farmer's market, comes to feel like "just one more thing to do".

But the things you like to do, your dreams and aspirations outside of the "need to have a way to create a living place with food and a roof and enough comforts", they are the real world too. I say this because while I understand it is a common way of speaking and one I have used and felt much the same way about, I think, I came to find that it was unhelpful to me to segregate things this way. I found it created unnecessary resentment that sapped my energy.

I wish you the best in your work, both that which makes your home and that in which you speak your voice. It ebbs and flows, as does all life, some days the flow, the ease, of generating income and also taking care of "all the things" is more clearly felt than others.

I have noticed that you have not posted much of late, that I have seen, and I was wondering how you were. My best to you and, in advance, Happy Hanukkah.

[hannah]

Thank you for listening.