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Tuesday as usual.
I could, if I wanted, blame my lack of decent sleep last night on why I cried a bit in therapy today, but I really know it's because any time I dwell on or talk about the amount of travel the rest of my family's done, I get very sad, very easily. I have to be in a very good mood for it not to get to me, and I wasn't today. We'd again been talking about how I'm not doing much and how this is a hell of a gap year, and how it doesn't properly qualify for one but there's nothing better to call it.
The idea of throwing in the towel on looking for library work came up, too. It's not so much a calling to me as it is something I'd enjoy more than a lot of other things, and I picked it out of a lack of other options for decent day jobs that'd let me keep work at work and not take anything home with me that also wouldn't have me wanting to curl up under my desk to avoid what it is I've got to do for that day. Outside of a few small boxes, there isn't much that career-type people can help with, especially in middle and high school. She mentioned finding an end date on which to start looking for non-library work, and right now, it doesn't sound like a bad idea. I told her about something someone posted recently, about how many people with PhDs work as janitors - I was a bit wary of it because it didn't say how many janitor-PhDs there were out of all the janitors and all the PhDs, so there wasn't any chance to see the big picture beyond a headcount - and how I wouldn't mind being a janitor. I say that now, of course, and I also say it while remembering Raymond Carver wrote in a janitor's closet.
We also talked about energy flow. Vibes, mojo, chi, humors, whatever it might be called. How sometimes after doing a couple of hours' work on the job hunt - sorting through listings, working on letters - I get sharply nauseated and drained to the point where I want to lie on the floor and not move, or just shut down for a while and stay sitting at the computer. Doing something physical breaks me out of it, like going to the gym or cooking dinner, and if I time it right it's okay. A couple of weeks ago we'd talked about the ideas of vim and vigor as they relate to cover letter writing and how it can be hard to bring those feelings into play, especially if I'm just doing a letter for a job that seems all right, rather than something I'd actually enjoy doing. After I mentioned that, I told her about something else I read online, about how one of the best ways to waste time while job hunting is to look for jobs one doesn't want. Sometimes it's hard to remember to be selective. Not every week is going to turn up an interesting listing for a local museum, but I don't have to look down every single path, either. I told my therapist how maybe narrowing it down to ten jobs a week might help me figure out which ones would actually be good fits, and that might help with what I'm trying to do.
The idea of throwing in the towel on looking for library work came up, too. It's not so much a calling to me as it is something I'd enjoy more than a lot of other things, and I picked it out of a lack of other options for decent day jobs that'd let me keep work at work and not take anything home with me that also wouldn't have me wanting to curl up under my desk to avoid what it is I've got to do for that day. Outside of a few small boxes, there isn't much that career-type people can help with, especially in middle and high school. She mentioned finding an end date on which to start looking for non-library work, and right now, it doesn't sound like a bad idea. I told her about something someone posted recently, about how many people with PhDs work as janitors - I was a bit wary of it because it didn't say how many janitor-PhDs there were out of all the janitors and all the PhDs, so there wasn't any chance to see the big picture beyond a headcount - and how I wouldn't mind being a janitor. I say that now, of course, and I also say it while remembering Raymond Carver wrote in a janitor's closet.
We also talked about energy flow. Vibes, mojo, chi, humors, whatever it might be called. How sometimes after doing a couple of hours' work on the job hunt - sorting through listings, working on letters - I get sharply nauseated and drained to the point where I want to lie on the floor and not move, or just shut down for a while and stay sitting at the computer. Doing something physical breaks me out of it, like going to the gym or cooking dinner, and if I time it right it's okay. A couple of weeks ago we'd talked about the ideas of vim and vigor as they relate to cover letter writing and how it can be hard to bring those feelings into play, especially if I'm just doing a letter for a job that seems all right, rather than something I'd actually enjoy doing. After I mentioned that, I told her about something else I read online, about how one of the best ways to waste time while job hunting is to look for jobs one doesn't want. Sometimes it's hard to remember to be selective. Not every week is going to turn up an interesting listing for a local museum, but I don't have to look down every single path, either. I told my therapist how maybe narrowing it down to ten jobs a week might help me figure out which ones would actually be good fits, and that might help with what I'm trying to do.
no subject
These kinds of books focus on the notion that what lights one person's fire would quench another's completely. Buckingham talks about there are times when we have to play to a weakness but that we need to find ways to limit that where possible (your weakness may be another person's strength) and, when we know we have to work in an area of weakness we need to balance that, as quickly as possible, with an area of strength.
In this context a weakness/strength is not exactly correlated to things we are bad/good at. Sometimes that is the issue but it could just as easily be something that we are good at but that exhausts, bores, angers, or depletes our energy in any way. For example, I suspect that with your language skills you are probably pretty good at drafting the language of a good cover letter but, for reasons that do not require justification, writing them sucks the life out of you. The correlary is that activities that strengthen us are those that give us energy whether we are skilled or gifted at them or not. For example, I'll never make a living at singing but singing along to certain types of songs or at campfires and such like gives me energy and cheers me up.
Reading your posts, I see ways that you do try to balance depleting activities with strengthening ones.
I guess the point is that I found it liberating when I realized that we all face the strengthening/depleting dilemma in trying to get the tasks of life done and that it is wisdom to find help, where I can, to do the weakening tasks. I don't know if any of this is of use to you. It sounds like you are well on your way to articulating something along the lines of this train of thought.
Would it be of help to you to have a small part time job that paid money while you continued the work of seeking professional employment?
For what it's worth, I live in a small town but I am finding it very draining to feel stuck in it and not be able to go other places, at least from time to time.